I know I have issues with faith -- hyper-critical, infinitely flawed, self-centered jerk that I am.
Every single day is a bit of a cycle of disappointment with myself. I am so introverted. So worried and anxious all the while telling myself on the surface level that it is in His hands while wringing my own over the most trivial things. Trivial things like: money, time, grades, friends, family, life, death, love, war, faminine.
Now don't get me wrong.
I am not saying that these things don't matter. But worry, to me, the anxiety-proned mess, is a constant reminder of my flawed faith. Of the fact that I think that somehow turning my stomach and rushing about will do more and be worth more than knowing that everything (absolutely and entirely) will be made right by Him if I base my life there. If I go first to Him and second to my thoughts and actions. That there is nothing that I can do even resembling good without it being through Him.
If every single step is based in the Lord, if every direction, every up and down and inbetween is nothing. That I only have to exists is God (I mean I have a holy spirit bird on my foot for this very purpose and I often find myself admiring it for all of the wrong reasons...)
I just need to remind myself of this.
To internalize it.
To try to make it real and tangible.
To believe it.
To not forget.
Pray for me?
2 comments:
Of course I will be praying for you, my dear! And I love our random coffee dates and chats about faith. That always helps me! Plus...we missed you at Bible study last week, so I hope to see your beautiful face there again after the break. Have an amazing time and I cant wait to share stories!
It almost seems to me that the type of faith that is often discussed is a type of introversion. I mean, I see "the faithful" moving about, touching others' lives, but not in their name, they do this in the name of God... So, what better place to be than in the hands of Him, who the faithful believe in so strongly that they are willing to accept just about anything in His name.
I am glad to see you thinking about your choices... keeping yourself in check. Never stop believing in your ability to do what is right. You have been given free will by HIM for a reason!
love,
mom
Post a Comment