And...That's Enough

I guess I've been chronically misunderstood (of course!) my whole life.  I wish there was a way to re-phrase that to sound less emo and 13 but right now I can't think of it. 

I think it's my uncomfortable abnormalness.  I mean I'm normal in most of the important ways, but when it comes to psychosocial normality, I am pretty different for a 21 year old. 

Firstly, I am a granny/homebody.  And this wouldn't SEEM to be an issue until you take into account various different factors such as  a) the necessity of social connections in forming relationships for work/school/life b) that people (who care enough to notice) interpret it as unusual, unacceptable or as a commentary on their way to live life.  Granted, most people are too busy living their life to give too much of a flying crap about mine, but a few throughout time have stood out as caring.

I am sorta at the point where I want to go home.  I know that's no good what with a ton of papers, tests, exams, adventures and 51 days to go.  But it's true.  For the last few weeks I've felt a seething tension within my homestay which has only now manifested.  Mal and Su have said (in so many and more words) that they do not want JT coming over/they want me to go out more.  I can understand the frustration of having a homestay student in your home, but as far as my perspective goes if your biggest worry is having someone quietly up in your homestay student's room, maybe giggling over a laptop screen or cuddling, I would think that to be of little concern.  But.  I recognize that is MY opinion because that is my perspective.  

I guess I am too old to have someone regulating me.  Especially when I don't feel as if I am doing anything inappropriate.  I pay 30 dollars a day to have a warm, dry space to sleep, live and watch tv online.  I haven't got a lot of exciting things up my sleeves, I don't go out too much, I sleep in REALLY late (something that I thought only bothered my mother, but apparently it bothers Su too for some reason only God knows) and sadly, I am the type of person who enjoys spending nearly all of my time with a select few people (e.g: Kapy, JT).  

I don't know.  I guess I'm just itching for my freedom back.  To not have to be concerned that I'm not squeeging the shower properly or that my presence and choice of activity is a bother.  I miss Wake and having my friends in arm reach, not having to walk and stress about buses and taxis and whatever else.  I don't know...

I guess I just don't like being reprimanded.  JT is a huge support system here and I know we're legitimately obsessed with each other.  I've been told/I don't care...it makes me happy so why wouldn't I do it?  He's my best friend/the love of my life...

But.  Guess I'll have to figure out another option.  Right now I wish my "other option" was staying in a flat by myself for these last few days, but then Su would be getting my $30.00 a day for diddly and I don't know if I can handle that.  Slash i couldn't afford it even in my dreams (seriously, even my dreams are frugal).

I have to get out of or into the thick of Auckland.  I know I need to do something/live/explore/remind myself why I came here in the first place, but in the thick of the semester, under the pressure of little things -- it gets hard to keep focus.

There is no such thing as a home away from home.  

I miss my comfort, freedom and the knowledge of unconditional love.  That's all.